志望動機書_ネイティブチェック②

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引き続き、SoPを添削してくれたネイティブの方とやりとりし、以下の返信をいただいた。

I suggested that you include some information about being a doctor from Japan because it is very unique, and I think it will make you stand out from other candidates. I think that will help you when Stanford considers you for admission.

From your answers to my questions, I think the following information is very strong:

“Healthcare data integration in the U.S. is very advanced, so I can focus on analyzing healthcare data in the US. Japan has not yet developed the integration of healthcare data, so I cannot focus on analyzing data if I stay and study in Japan.”

“Stanford students are permitted to use Amazon’s EC2 cloud platform to do large-scale computing”

“Integrating healthcare data is slow in Japan compared with other countries. Now, Japanese Health, Labour and Welfare Ministry try to implement national identification number system finally. And also graduate school of data science was founded just 2 years ago in Japan, so it is not well developed so far.”

From your answers, I can get a much clearer understanding of your goals, and why going to graduate school at Stanford is so important and valuable to you. This makes it clear that Stanford is the best location for your studies, because you cannot have access to those educational resources in Japan.

Because these details are very concrete and specific, and I think they will help your Statement of Purpose.

As for the length, if you can shorten the above information down to two or three sentences, I think you should include the information. If you change the size of your text to size 11, you will have room to write more without exceeding 2 pages.

I hope my suggestion helps. Please let me know your thoughts.

なるほど。やはり、客観的な評価やアドバイスは大事だと痛感。なぜその大学院なのか?医師のバックグラウンドを活かすという点が、自分では十分に伝わっていると思ったが、まだ足りなかったことが分かったのは良かった。

引き続きやりとりして、SoPのqualityを高めていこうと思う。それにしても、初対面なのにすぐに返信をくれて、しかもアドバイスまで親身にくれて頭がさがるばかりだ。

あと、Affinity英語学院からも返信がきて、明日以降連絡しますということだったので、楽しみ。


さて、あとは、各大学院に合わせて「Why your Univeirsity?」の部分を作成しないと。これも結構大変。。。1日1大学のノルマを課して仕上げていく予定である。




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